Week 1 · Tuesday 9 September 2025
Twelve blokes, one spreadsheet, no idea
Round 1 delivered three fair-dinkum floggings, a 32-point quarterback on a bench, and the first committee inquiries of the season.
From the Commissioner's Desk
The 2025 season is away, and the early returns suggest nobody learned anything from the draft. Surtainly Autistic top-scored with 148.95 and still managed to leave Daniel Jones and his 32.2 points sitting on the pine — winning while blundering is the purest expression of this league's spirit and the Gazette salutes it.
Elsewhere Kempsey opened with 145.5 in a workmanlike win, MaHomie N Herbie put 45 points on Push Tush, and tim7w — still unnamed, stewards notified — flogged Post Chubb by 35. The wooden spoon betting market has opened and Deep Balls and Grimace drifted on debut.
Match reports
Nail-biter
10.35 pts
Mals Pals v JackinGoff
Biggest hiding
45.25 pts
Push Tush for Reggie Bush v MaHomie N Herbie
Top score
148.95
Surtainly Autistic
Bench blunder
32.2 pts benched
Daniel Jones, left to rot by Surtainly Autistic
Full time — round 1
Nameless, ruthless
Team tim7w
130.35
FT
94.9
Post Chubb DepressionP
tim7w opened with 130.35 and made Post Chubb look pre-season fit. Hard to sledge a club with no name; the results may have to do the talking.
Full report ›
Nail-biter of the week
Champagne football, light beer margin
JackinGoff
122.5
FT
112.15
Mals Pals
JackinGoff edged Mals Pals by 10.35 in a game that was closer than the premiership favourites would like admitted.
Full report ›
Full time — round 1
Ricests served hot
Rashee’s Ricests
115.55
FT
78.5
Kmet the frog
Rashee's put 37 on Kmet the frog, who will want it noted the season is long. It is. That's the problem.
Full report ›
Hiding of the week
Herbie floors it
MaHomie N Herbie
135.4
FT
90.15
Push Tush for Reggie Bush
MaHomie N Herbie 135.4, Push Tush 90.15. The Gazette declares this the first genuine statement of 2025.
Full report ›
Top score, questionable management
148 points and a benched QB
Surtainly Autistic
148.95
FT
119.25
Deep Balls and Grimace
Surtainly Autistic won by 30 with Daniel Jones watching from the bench in street clothes. Imagine the ceiling. The committee cannot.
Full report ›
Full time — round 1
Kempsey means business
Kempsey Cum and fuck mes
145.5
FT
123.1
They Hit The 2nd Bower
145.5 and barely out of second gear against the 2nd Bower. Remember this one in December.
Full report ›
